Don't get me wrong. It wasn't that I didn't love my baby with everything in me. I was overwhelmed with love and protectiveness over him. I honestly didn't even know how to cope with all the emotion of what came with being a mom. (hence the selfish thoughts) Luckily, I came out of my dark place and began to deal with the emotions and accepted my new role in life with a newfound joy. I never looked back.
Here I am, roughly a week out from giving birth again....this time to a little girl. I've never been more ready to
After being a mom of one for almost four years now, it's hard to believe how much everything has changed since those dismal days of early mommyhood. I say dismal because, to me, that is exactly what they were. I had to tread water for awhile before I was able to embrace being a mother. And, as said above, I made it through and now I literally cannot imagine it Any. Other. Way. Except for one simple factor....I've only ever been his mommy.
This boy, my son....he's just so amazing. I can't even describe how much I love him. He's so smart. He's funny and witty and he has no idea. He makes me laugh all the time--just like his daddy. And he's always asking questions and wanting to see how and why and what makes things happen and why they happen. He's obedient and well-mannered (most of the time). He loves his grandparents and his extended family. He has a huge, caring heart. And he always has my back--even protects me when I don't need it. We have so many special things between just us. Sonic trips, special songs we like to sing in the car, books we read together, and games we play. I treasure the moments I get to spend with him.
But in just about a week, those moments just won't be the same anymore. My attention will be diverted. I'll be 50/50. Maybe even 40/60 for awhile....or 70/30. Those numbers kill me, typing them. I picture his face--maybe even with tears running down his cheeks as I have to tell him, "I'm sorry Buddy, Mommy can't play with you right now." He won't understand. Eventually he will, but not at first. It breaks my heart. It won't be "just us" anymore.
So as much as I am ready and as much as I know what a joy it will be to be a mom of 2...it will also be somewhat of a loss. I won't be the same as it has been. It can't be. And it shouldn't be. And I know what all the moms of 2 or more are thinking right now. Perhaps they've forgotten too. And I know I will forget....
But right now, the feelings are fresh and new. And so very real and raw. And while I can nod at the truth--which is that I will find a new normal, I will love my second child as much as my first, and I will find a way to balance time between both children, I will always cherish the time when it was "just us". I feel blessed to have my son, my firstborn, and so many precious memories with him....just him. Just us.