Dear Me,
There are so many things I want to tell you and I don't know where to start. First of all, you look tired. I know...I know you HATE hearing that and it's the biggest insult ever, but let's be honest....
You're tired and you've sick of being tired and I know that. I was there. It's probably one of the most miserable feelings ever, next to complete loneliness. (at least to you...and me too) Being so tired that you feel like you have no thoughts of your own. I know you're so tired that even your own body won't let you sleep. It's like...you're too tired to sleep. You lay awake, waiting for the baby to wake up, knowing it could be 10 minutes or 2 hours, and you just can't settle down. Bless you.
But let me tell you...I am living proof that you will eventually not feel quite so tired. In fact, you'll get your energy back and then some. Even better news, your little boy that never seems to sleep at the right time of the day...he WILL figure it out. He does a pretty dang good job at figuring things out. He's SO smart. You should see him. Yesterday, he took his first real steps. But I'm jumping ahead a bit....Let's go back a little.
Now that you've been told you'll get sleep eventually I suspect you're feeling relieved. I hope you can understand, or at least try to understand, that absolutely nothing about the situation you are in right now is permanent. And that is exactly what makes it so amazing. It's so fleeting and so precious that even though you don't want to soak it all up right now and you feel like you want to pull your hair out because you're an emotional basket-case 24/7, eventually it'll sink in. You'll learn to love it and you'll take it all in stride because it's your life now.
Going back to work won't be as hard as you think it will be. You'll be ready for a routine. Little Man will do great. He loves his Granny and she does an excellent job taking care of him. You won't worry about him while you're at work. In fact, you'll be too busy teaching to worry. Sure, you'll send text messages now and then to check on him. You might even ask for a picture or 2 just because you'll miss him. And then you'll look forward to getting home each evening to see his little face.
The first few months of being back at work will be a little tough though. You'll be tired and want to relax. The baby will be grouchy and in need of an evening nap, but he'll be difficult to settle. You and Shane will need to figure out a little routine. And you will. You guys are such a great team. He really is the best, isn't he? And eventually, Ellis won't need that evening nap anymore and he'll be content to stay up and play until bedtime.....
Bedtime, you ask? Yes....there will be a bedtime. And it will be consistent and it will happen ALMOST every single night. You'll put him in his little crib, turn on his noisemaker, close the door, and that'll be it until morning. Hard to believe, I know....But I'm telling you it's true. You'll get to relax with your husband, watch TV, have adult conversation, drink wine, read a magazine, go to bed early, or stay up late, whatever you want to do! For a few months, perhaps between 3-6 months, you might have to go comfort him a time or two in the evening. After all, he's busy growing and changing and that can cause some sleeping troubles. But you won't mind it. It won't make you too tired and it won't get you down. In fact, nothing can get you down now that you've finally gotten the hang of this whole Mom thing. You're rocking it now, you will keep rocking it, and eventually it won't even seem like you're trying anymore. It'll just happen naturally! So, try to wipe those tears as best you can, smile, and remember....there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
More about Ellis.....Not to spoil anything for you, but seriously, he's an amazing little guy. Right now he's so super tiny and fragile. He'll stay little for some time. But by about 5 months old, suddenly that boy will start filling out. Oh...and unfortunately you'll need to keep bibs and extra clothes in stock because the spitting up won't stop for about another 8-9 months. The boy is just a fountain. But don't worry...it's nothing you're doing wrong. He's healthy. Just strap a burp rag to him and to you and you'll be fine. Maybe layer his bibs too....
He'll try to crawl for awhile. He's definitely a little fighter and stays busy! Don't rush him. It'll happen when it's supposed to. I won't tell you when...especially since I already spoiled the walking thing for you. Either way though, it'll be special and exciting and you'll want to share the moment with all your friends and family. The best part about it is Shane will be with you for both moments. Talk about priceless memories!
Last but not least, I want to tell you about you....You're in a really dark place right now and I totally get it. I was there. But other people won't and don't get it. And you absolutely cannot let that get to you. Just take it one day at a time and don't let the opinions of others make you feel lower or like you aren't a good mom. You are a good mom. You just need a little boost. And that's okay.
You also need to know that you are pretty special too. Your husband knows you're a good mom and he will tell you that a lot. You won't really listen or believe him, but he means it. He still says it all the time even now. And now things are completely different than they were a year ago. So take heart....Things will get better. Things will get great actually. And you'll be happy.
Hug your baby tight. Hold him and cuddle him. Enjoy the moments. Try not to get discouraged when he cries. It's all a phase. Nothing is forever. And soon, he won't be little anymore and you'll be chasing him around like I was doing today. As best you can, try to live each moment with the knowledge that there's going to be a "last time" for every single interaction you have with him. He'll be grown and gone in the blink of an eye.
So give that boy a kiss. And chin up. You can do it!
Love,
A Year-Later-Me
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
Things I've Learned Post-Baby....
It is 1 pm. My (almost) 7-month-old is taking his afternoon nap. I'm drinking an apple martini. Keepin' it real over here...
So I've actually deleted and restarted this blog about 3 times since this morning. I can't figure out the right way to start it. I feel like I have a lot to say, but not sure how to put it. I don't want to write a preachy blog or a "how-to" blog. I don't want to get on a soapbox. I just want to write some things I've experienced these last few months that might sound halfway original. Bear with me.
Since becoming a mom not only have I learned that I am much more capable of anything I ever imagined (for instance, my child is still alive), I've learned that I definitely don't do well with change. In fact, it flat-out depresses me. I've learned that I still miss my old life in so many ways. And I've also learned that my life is, in so many ways, better now than it ever has been or will be. Other things I've learned...
1. People will judge you when you become a mom. And you will judge other moms too. I said I would never do it, but oh do I ever. Let's face it, if it's not the way you would do it, you make a judgement. It's not because you're a jerk. It's because you're human. Or, worse yet, you feel guilty because you don't do it the same way they do it. "Is their way the right way?" "Wait...is that the way I should be doing it too?" are just a few of the many thoughts that will flood your mind on a daily basis. It's maddening. The only way to tune them out is just to stick to your guns. Don't let the methods of other parents make you feel like your methods are wrong.
2. There are people out there who put their kids first and they will not understand when you tell them your kid(s) come second. I think it's a controversial topic when it comes to the issue of whether or not your kids should come first before your spouse. But my husband and I both firmly believe that we should put each other first. We still go on dates without our child. We have conversations that don't include our child. We still sleep in the same bed. We enjoy each other's company.
3. You will talk about poop more than you ever thought possible. It's true. You'll talk about how many times your child has pooped. You'll talk about it when he doesn't poop. You'll talk about the texture, the smell, and everything else pertaining to poop. And it won't be weird.
4. There are people out there who think they have the duty to drop off the face of the earth once their child is born and you will either join them or not join them. It's a choice you make and there are many who will try to tell you what choice you should make....Usually it's the ones who disappear that will tell you you have no choice but to join them. You can choose whether your life stops after you have a baby or not. There are a gazillion mommy blogs out there that go on and on about how life isn't the same and how you never have time to shower or put on makeup or sleep or complete a sentence. I'm sure that's true for some, but it's because they're making a choice. And it works for them. If they didn't want a ton of kids they wouldn't have had them. You can have kids and still have a life too. You can drink a glass of wine. You can take a shower. You can put on makeup. You can complete a sentence. You can also have friendships too. You can have girls' nights and couples' nights and double-dates and game nights. It can be done! I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in years at a store. I made a comment to them about how we never get together anymore and we needed to change that. Their response was, "Well, we have kids now." See what I mean?
5.If it works, it works. I don't have a manual to refer to when it comes to figuring out how to handle my baby and neither does anyone else. But once you find something that works, you should keep doing it. No matter what anyone else tells you you should be doing.
And that's about all I can come up with right now. Original? Probably not. But honest, yes. For me to say which way is the right way is doing what I don't like being done to me. However, if there is one thing I will preach it is this: Don't let having a baby take over your life in such a way that you lose yourself. It doesn't have to be that way. You aren't "sacrificing" your identify when you become a mom. I think many moms have a misconception that once they have a child they have to give up absolutely everything they did before in order to do what's best for their child. NO! Not true. Trust me, don't do it. Be yourself. Let your child see who you are. And you'll be all the better for it.
So I've actually deleted and restarted this blog about 3 times since this morning. I can't figure out the right way to start it. I feel like I have a lot to say, but not sure how to put it. I don't want to write a preachy blog or a "how-to" blog. I don't want to get on a soapbox. I just want to write some things I've experienced these last few months that might sound halfway original. Bear with me.
Since becoming a mom not only have I learned that I am much more capable of anything I ever imagined (for instance, my child is still alive), I've learned that I definitely don't do well with change. In fact, it flat-out depresses me. I've learned that I still miss my old life in so many ways. And I've also learned that my life is, in so many ways, better now than it ever has been or will be. Other things I've learned...
1. People will judge you when you become a mom. And you will judge other moms too. I said I would never do it, but oh do I ever. Let's face it, if it's not the way you would do it, you make a judgement. It's not because you're a jerk. It's because you're human. Or, worse yet, you feel guilty because you don't do it the same way they do it. "Is their way the right way?" "Wait...is that the way I should be doing it too?" are just a few of the many thoughts that will flood your mind on a daily basis. It's maddening. The only way to tune them out is just to stick to your guns. Don't let the methods of other parents make you feel like your methods are wrong.
2. There are people out there who put their kids first and they will not understand when you tell them your kid(s) come second. I think it's a controversial topic when it comes to the issue of whether or not your kids should come first before your spouse. But my husband and I both firmly believe that we should put each other first. We still go on dates without our child. We have conversations that don't include our child. We still sleep in the same bed. We enjoy each other's company.
3. You will talk about poop more than you ever thought possible. It's true. You'll talk about how many times your child has pooped. You'll talk about it when he doesn't poop. You'll talk about the texture, the smell, and everything else pertaining to poop. And it won't be weird.
4. There are people out there who think they have the duty to drop off the face of the earth once their child is born and you will either join them or not join them. It's a choice you make and there are many who will try to tell you what choice you should make....Usually it's the ones who disappear that will tell you you have no choice but to join them. You can choose whether your life stops after you have a baby or not. There are a gazillion mommy blogs out there that go on and on about how life isn't the same and how you never have time to shower or put on makeup or sleep or complete a sentence. I'm sure that's true for some, but it's because they're making a choice. And it works for them. If they didn't want a ton of kids they wouldn't have had them. You can have kids and still have a life too. You can drink a glass of wine. You can take a shower. You can put on makeup. You can complete a sentence. You can also have friendships too. You can have girls' nights and couples' nights and double-dates and game nights. It can be done! I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in years at a store. I made a comment to them about how we never get together anymore and we needed to change that. Their response was, "Well, we have kids now." See what I mean?
5.If it works, it works. I don't have a manual to refer to when it comes to figuring out how to handle my baby and neither does anyone else. But once you find something that works, you should keep doing it. No matter what anyone else tells you you should be doing.
And that's about all I can come up with right now. Original? Probably not. But honest, yes. For me to say which way is the right way is doing what I don't like being done to me. However, if there is one thing I will preach it is this: Don't let having a baby take over your life in such a way that you lose yourself. It doesn't have to be that way. You aren't "sacrificing" your identify when you become a mom. I think many moms have a misconception that once they have a child they have to give up absolutely everything they did before in order to do what's best for their child. NO! Not true. Trust me, don't do it. Be yourself. Let your child see who you are. And you'll be all the better for it.
Sunday, October 5, 2014
A Short Season Comes to a End
Life is a series of seasons. Some seasons are longer than others. Some seasons bring about a lot of change and growth, while others are quickly passing and sometimes leave us wondering, "What in the world happened?" Some seasons are joyful and others are full of sorrow and hardship. Some seasons require a lot of work while others are slower paced and easier to handle.
All this to say, there is nothing quite like the season of life that begins when you become a parent. I won't go on and on about things I've already spoken of, but I will say that I am finding myself eating my words quite a bit these days. I finally, FINALLY truly understand what it means to be a mommy and what it means to feel that ache inside you at the thought of having to leave your child to the care of someone other than yourself. It's not a lack of trust or even worrying that something will happen to your baby. It's knowing that it won't be you. It won't be you who gets to hold them when they're crying or who will get the first chance to witness their first real laugh, their first step, or even their first word. Sure, it COULD be you. You might be so lucky as to witness all these special moments and milestones in the off chance it will occur during the very short period of time per day you now get to spend with your child. And for that you feel hopeful and also grateful for the precious time you do have.
It won't be me....And he won't remember the time we DID have. He's too little to be able to have those kind of long-term memories. I want more than anything for him to be able to remember. I wish I had a way for him to be aware of just how badly it hurts me to have to leave him every morning. I guess I could tell him when he's older, but it's not the same. The feelings won't be fresh anymore and by then I will be long over it and have gotten used to the way things are. It will be a totally different season. But right now the season I've been in and have so come to enjoy is coming to an end. And I am heartbroken. I have shed a few tears in the last few days, but they've been small and short-lived. Today I had my first good cry and I can already tell it's definitely not the last good cry.
I know it'll be okay. I know "this too shall pass". I know that I will be so busy with my work that the days will pass quickly and I'll get to see him every evening and every weekend and every holiday. Being a teacher means I get more vacation time than the average working mom....So I definintely need to count my blessings. But that does nothing to change the fact that I no longer have the luxury of being with my baby 24/7. And he has no ability to understand why or what is going on. All I can think is, "What if he DOES know what's going on and thinks I am just leaving him?" or "What if he doesn't even care that I'm leaving and gets more upset when he comes home in the evenings?" I know all these negative thoughts are the many methods that Satan uses to get to me and to make me lose faith. I know that he is trying to keep me from feeling God's peace. I have to be honest and say that right now Satan is totally winning. I feel horrible inside.
I wish I had a way to view this new season that I am entering (the season of becoming a Working Mom) as a very positive change. But as someone who has NEVER liked change, I can't help but dread it. I'm dreading all the stress and the endless hours of work that await me. I'm dreading grading papers every single weekend instead of getting to spend time with my baby. I'm dreading the silent eyerolls I'm sure I will receive when I use my baby as an excuse at work for not getting everything done on my to-do list. I'm dreading the endless guilt I will feel when I do choose to put my family first over my job. I've never understood why anyone ever even bothers saying "Family comes first" when few people actually live that out, truly believe it, or allow you to live it out without making you feel bad about it.
This blog wasn't intended to be controversial or lashing out at anyone. I guess my emotions are just super raw right now and I can't help but express everything I am feeling and thinking. I already feel misunderstood and I haven't even been put in a situation to feel misunderstood yet. It's hard to be in a spot where you never pictured yourself in the past. I never really could picture myself as a mom. And now, not only am I a mom, I am a mom who has grown completely 100% attached to her child and feels defensive of anyone who tries to make me feel guilty about it.
Right now I just need lots and lots of prayer. I need to be praying every second of the day that I will feel the peace of Christ. I need my friends to pray for me too. I need to be thanking the Lord for my perfect son and wonderful husband who make me so very happy and whom I do get to spend every evening with. I need to be thanking God for my mother-in-law who is sacrificing the new freedom she has after retiring to keep our baby boy for us so we don't have to put him in daycare. I need to focus on all of the blessings I have and let the Lord fill me with His mercy and goodness. I can't let negativity and anxiety run me into the ground. Because they do and they will.
So please, friends, say a prayer for me as I enter this new season of life.
All this to say, there is nothing quite like the season of life that begins when you become a parent. I won't go on and on about things I've already spoken of, but I will say that I am finding myself eating my words quite a bit these days. I finally, FINALLY truly understand what it means to be a mommy and what it means to feel that ache inside you at the thought of having to leave your child to the care of someone other than yourself. It's not a lack of trust or even worrying that something will happen to your baby. It's knowing that it won't be you. It won't be you who gets to hold them when they're crying or who will get the first chance to witness their first real laugh, their first step, or even their first word. Sure, it COULD be you. You might be so lucky as to witness all these special moments and milestones in the off chance it will occur during the very short period of time per day you now get to spend with your child. And for that you feel hopeful and also grateful for the precious time you do have.
It won't be me....And he won't remember the time we DID have. He's too little to be able to have those kind of long-term memories. I want more than anything for him to be able to remember. I wish I had a way for him to be aware of just how badly it hurts me to have to leave him every morning. I guess I could tell him when he's older, but it's not the same. The feelings won't be fresh anymore and by then I will be long over it and have gotten used to the way things are. It will be a totally different season. But right now the season I've been in and have so come to enjoy is coming to an end. And I am heartbroken. I have shed a few tears in the last few days, but they've been small and short-lived. Today I had my first good cry and I can already tell it's definitely not the last good cry.
I know it'll be okay. I know "this too shall pass". I know that I will be so busy with my work that the days will pass quickly and I'll get to see him every evening and every weekend and every holiday. Being a teacher means I get more vacation time than the average working mom....So I definintely need to count my blessings. But that does nothing to change the fact that I no longer have the luxury of being with my baby 24/7. And he has no ability to understand why or what is going on. All I can think is, "What if he DOES know what's going on and thinks I am just leaving him?" or "What if he doesn't even care that I'm leaving and gets more upset when he comes home in the evenings?" I know all these negative thoughts are the many methods that Satan uses to get to me and to make me lose faith. I know that he is trying to keep me from feeling God's peace. I have to be honest and say that right now Satan is totally winning. I feel horrible inside.
I wish I had a way to view this new season that I am entering (the season of becoming a Working Mom) as a very positive change. But as someone who has NEVER liked change, I can't help but dread it. I'm dreading all the stress and the endless hours of work that await me. I'm dreading grading papers every single weekend instead of getting to spend time with my baby. I'm dreading the silent eyerolls I'm sure I will receive when I use my baby as an excuse at work for not getting everything done on my to-do list. I'm dreading the endless guilt I will feel when I do choose to put my family first over my job. I've never understood why anyone ever even bothers saying "Family comes first" when few people actually live that out, truly believe it, or allow you to live it out without making you feel bad about it.
This blog wasn't intended to be controversial or lashing out at anyone. I guess my emotions are just super raw right now and I can't help but express everything I am feeling and thinking. I already feel misunderstood and I haven't even been put in a situation to feel misunderstood yet. It's hard to be in a spot where you never pictured yourself in the past. I never really could picture myself as a mom. And now, not only am I a mom, I am a mom who has grown completely 100% attached to her child and feels defensive of anyone who tries to make me feel guilty about it.
Right now I just need lots and lots of prayer. I need to be praying every second of the day that I will feel the peace of Christ. I need my friends to pray for me too. I need to be thanking the Lord for my perfect son and wonderful husband who make me so very happy and whom I do get to spend every evening with. I need to be thanking God for my mother-in-law who is sacrificing the new freedom she has after retiring to keep our baby boy for us so we don't have to put him in daycare. I need to focus on all of the blessings I have and let the Lord fill me with His mercy and goodness. I can't let negativity and anxiety run me into the ground. Because they do and they will.
So please, friends, say a prayer for me as I enter this new season of life.
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